[Humor] A Letter of Protest

[Harry Joy]

Found this link at another forum and I think it's quite suitable for here. Please note, I put the tag in the title "Humor". This isn't intended to be a critical thread, or judgmental of 4th Edition. This made me laugh my butt off, and that and the fact that it speaks of a D&D that is of the C&C style makes it a worthy read.

All that, and I'm quite sure the Dwarves, Gnomes, Half-Orcs and other assorted Elf haterz will get quite a thrill out of this...
LINK
A 20-Point Letter of Protest Regarding the New 4th Edition of Dungeons & Dragons (from a Gnome and a Half-Orc)
By Teague Bohlen

Recently, a trove of legal proceedings and assorted arcana was unearthed regarding demi-human protests to the upcoming 4th Edition Dungeons and Dragons release. This list of demands was signed by 8th level half-orc fighter Angrus Torn-Eye and 9th level gnome Illusionist Gnor Fnortner, representing a group calling itself "Gruumsh, Glittergold, and Sons". It was found sealed in a bone scroll case and capped with a glyph of insanity. We publish it in hope that D&D publisher Wizards of the Coast will hear their requests.

1) Reinstate half-orcs and gnomes as a viable PC races.

Their exclusion from the new edition of the game is short-sighted at best. Half-orcs are the standard choice for assassin or barbarian, the legendary bandit king with the magical blade, Slave Lord Theg Narlot. Gnomes arewell, let's just stipulate that gnomes have an important place, and move on.

2) Make Greyhawk the defacto D&D setting.

This is an easy call. Eberron is too steampunk, and Forgotten Realms is just all elves and angst, drow-this and Elminster-that. Blah, blah. If its not the land where the Keep on the Borderlands sits? Guess whatit ain't D&D.

3) Stop with the racial ability bonuses already.

To suggest that all elves have one (or two) better dexterity than orcs or gnomes is an offensive and biased generalization. That said, our coalition does concur with the statement that elves are flighty and frivolous as mentioned in the original Dungeon Masters Guide (page 16). That should carry over into the new edition; wed also like to add the descriptors ridiculous and eminently killable to that list of adjectives, for the sake of accuracy and precision.

4) Cease and desist using "orcs watching chests in small spaces" as a pejorative.

There is nothing inherently wrong with an orc guarding a chest in a 10x10 room. Whty, my father was an orc who guarded a chest in a 10'x10' room, and he always provided for us!

5) Stop messing with Halflings.

So Gygax and company ripped off Tolkien. Who cares? Making hobbits thinner didn't make them suddenly original. And the 4th edition silliness of swamp Halflings rafting up and down river channels? No. Halflings should smoke pipes, live in hills with round doors, and be a name-change away from complete copyright violation.

6) Okay, we thought of something to say about Gnomes.

They used to be illusionists, until illusionists went away. Then they were bards, but no one bought that. They're basically magic-using dwarves, right? So go with that. Is that so hard? And while we're at it, stop pigeonholing gnomes as merry pranksters. We know quite a few seriously pissed off gnomes, several of whom, based on their move from PC race to "monster" class, are planning retaliatory "pranks" that are decidedly un-merry.

7) Put electrum back into the money supply.

Economies are fragile things, and we need a coin to bridge the silver-gold gap. Besides, streamlining an entire system of monetary measure just so every coin is worth the same fraction of the coin above it is just inviting declination of the intellectual capacity of the average gamer. In short, getting rid of electrum is like saying who the f**k needs quarters?

8) Include orcish weaponry.

Didn't you see the Lords of the Rings movies? The swords and axes those orcs had were sweet. D&D orcs totally deserve some of that. But please note that orcish weaponry has absolutely nothing to do with Klingon weaponry.

9) Put that bashful naked succubus back on page 230 of the Dungeon Master's Guide.

Every DMG page 230 should have a bashful naked succubus. In fact, let's add one to all D&D books and supplements. Who's it going to hurt?

10) Restrain ability scores.

Back in the day, all scores were maxed out at 25. The gods themselves maxed out at 25. Now, any tenth-level fighter worth his ioun stones boasts a 25 strength. What, 18/00 isnt good enough for you? We used to kill Odin with 18/00 strength, boy. And don't even get us started on how lame Gauntlets of Ogre Power are anymore.

11) Seriously, we cant stress enough just how ridiculous elves are.

Start with the ears and work to the pointy shoes. Nothing but ridiculous, all the way down.

12) Make the twelve-sider useful again.

There are six dice, you know. Okay, seven if you count both percentile. Twelve-siders used to be for all the cool stuffbarbarians rolling HP, swinging a two-handed sword, that sort of thing. Now, the twelve-sider languishes in the Crown Royale bag, with the mud die from the original basic set and that golf-ball 100-sider that seemed cool at the time, but is too much of a pain in the ass to roll.

13) Re-establish Level Titles.

Remember how cool it was to reach "name level"? Even at lower levels, this made everything a little more interesting. That wasn't just a second-level thief and a fourth level ranger you just metthat was a footpad and a courser. Nowadays, paladins are paladins, not protectors, defenders, or justiciars. Which makes them less interesting as you're killing them.

14) Make clerics less awesome.

Remember when you'd roll up characters with your friends, and everyone raced to call "Not the cleric!" Yeah, that was back when clerics were just mace-carrying healers with a couple of decent spells and the ability to turn undead. Now most clerics are sword-wielding hyper-buffed egomaniacs with cherry-picked domains and no need to memorize healing spells at all. Let's at least go back to the charming hypocrisy of bludgeoning weapons somehow being thought of as more merciful.

15) Restore Barbarians, Druids, and Bards.

We can live with some of the classes going away for a little while. Monks were an experiment in 1st edition, along with psionics, that never truly made sense. Chop-socky just isn't fantasy role-playing. And Sorcerers? They were interesting while they lasted, but with the new magic system, they might be redundant. (And besides, sorcerers are really 8th level magic-userssee demand #13.) But barbarians, druids, and bards? If nothing else, who's going to use all the hide armor, scimitars, and lutes that are just laying around?

16) Bring back ring mail.

No one cares that it didnt really exist. It just looks cool on your fighters, which is sort of the point, isn't it? No ones getting a PhD in History here. There were no vorpal blades either, professor, but I dont see your Ranger Lord tossing it away in protest.

17) Forget the D20 system.

Why does everything have to be rolled on the same die, or even on the same end of a die's range? Good ACs are low, successful saves are high, the Tomb of Horrors will kill you, and alls right with the world.

18) Lose the skill checks.

If one class and a secondary profession were enough for our forefathers, theyre good enough for us. If I was trained as a sailor, then I probably know my stuff as it pertains to rope use, navigation, astronomy, and maybe even some knowledge about foreign lands. Why would you need to complicate it by ranking every composite ability separately? And really, no one's ever going to put points into Rope Use. Really.

19) Keep alignments.

Come on, no alignment in D&D means a domino effect throughout the system. No alignments means no paladins falling from grace, no restrictions on character behavior, no aligned magical weaponry, no "detect" or "protection from" spells. The list goes on. Alignments are a shorthand way of telling who's on your side, and whos not. Without that, there'll be a lot more of "kill first, determine if that was the right call later" sort of adventuring. And then all those neutral lizardmen in Dunwater are just screwed.

20) We hate to beat a dead horse, but well beat a dead elf.

Think about it.

[moriarty777]

I *LOVE* THIS!

Thanks for sharing!

M
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[sieg]

Good one! Must agree, though I think the Succubus pic from the Monster Manual was better than the "bashful Succubus" at the back of the DMG, but that's just me.

...though the coinage rant can apply to C&C as well as 4X!
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Always remember, as a first principle of all D&D: playing BtB is not now, never was and never will be old school.- Tim Kask, Dragonsfoot

[Indigo Rose]

Harry Joy wrote:
12) Make the twelve-sider useful again.

There are six dice, you know. Okay, seven if you count both percentile. Twelve-siders used to be for all the cool stuffbarbarians rolling HP, swinging a two-handed sword, that sort of thing. Now, the twelve-sider languishes in the Crown Royale bag, with the mud die from the original basic set and that golf-ball 100-sider that seemed cool at the time, but is too much of a pain in the ass to roll.

Hey, this guy wasn't really Fiffergrund, was he? Casey has always been a staunch supporter of the twelve-sider, ever since C&C was in its formative stages!

Gotta agree about the mud die and the 100-sider, though. I don't actually have a 100-sider, but I do have a 30-sider which gets virtually no use whatsoever. And I thought it was really cool at the time.

[serleran]

d12, the most unloved die in all creation. Even the d5 has more uses.

[Hrolfgar]

MM Succubus is a winner over the DMG one

My favorite point is #4. Orcing isn't easy

[Traveller]

At one point, I actually had the mud-colored d20 from the basic set and the Zocchihedrons to go with my d12.
The mud-colored d20 has been retired, and the Zocchihedrons I purchased (I had bought two) were for novelty reasons only. One Zocchihedron went to my roommate's dice bag, and the other one, the clear one where one can see the plastic bits move around inside the die, remains in my bag.
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[Aladar]

Nice article. Thanks. Now if only WotC will heed the requests.
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[phadeout]

Wow, that sums up exactly how I feel... Like, every point...
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[csperkins1970]

Indigo Rose wrote:
I don't actually have a 100-sider, but I do have a 30-sider which gets virtually no use whatsoever. And I thought it was really cool at the time.

I still have both... and get mocked mercilessly by my fellow gamers for still using them!

[serleran]

I have mine, too, and I even have some documents that actually let you use them... like The 30-Sided Character, and a thing for the d-golf ball, I mean d100.

[csperkins1970]

serleran wrote:
I have mine, too, and I even have some documents that actually let you use them... like The 30-Sided Character, and a thing for the d-golf ball, I mean d100.

Kewl! I recently re-picked up the 30-Sided Die Tables that The Armory put out back in 1983 or so. Ah... nostalgia.

[sieg]

I am a proud supporter of the D12, thank you!

Check my modules...or AW articles in the Crusader....I use a D12 whenever feasible.
Oh, and the only game I ever had that potentially used the D30 was FGU's Aftermath!....with the 1-30 hit locations.
Avoid getting hit in the #12!

Just sayin,

Mike
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Always remember, as a first principle of all D&D: playing BtB is not now, never was and never will be old school.- Tim Kask, Dragonsfoot

[Indigo Rose]

csperkins1970 wrote:
Kewl! I recently re-picked up the 30-Sided Die Tables that The Armory put out back in 1983 or so. Ah... nostalgia.

Hey, at least you guys have documentation for the d-30! I had absolutely no reason whatsoever to buy mine, I did it solely for the fact that I thought it was cool. I take it out and look at it once or twice a year, just so it can see the light of day... Sometimes I use it to randomly roll spells on some of the longer spell tables, but that's about it.

[Lord Falcon MacGreggor]

I made my own documentation for my d30's.

And I had a VERY bored friend sit down one day and actually put numbers on ALL of the dimples on a golf ball. . . just so that he could boast that he had a D388.
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[Valerian]

What a great article . I still have my d30 colored in with crayon. My recent party just spared the poor lizardmen of dunwater as well.
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[Barrataria]

Quote:
No ones getting a PhD in History here. There were no vorpal blades either, professor, but I dont see your Ranger Lord tossing it away in protest.

Probably the most apt statement I have seen on one of these boards. Ever.

No offense to Sir Sieg, of course And nice to see IR posting again...

BB
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[Treebore]

Indigo Rose wrote:
Hey, at least you guys have documentation for the d-30! I had absolutely no reason whatsoever to buy mine, I did it solely for the fact that I thought it was cool. I take it out and look at it once or twice a year, just so it can see the light of day... Sometimes I use it to randomly roll spells on some of the longer spell tables, but that's about it.

Should I confess to how many d30's I own?

I need to find that d30 book from the Armory. The only use I ever had for the d30 is when I made "perception" as my house rule back in my 2E days.
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[Aladar]

Aftermath! I still have my old copy of that FGU game. I might have to see if I can find what box its packed in and dust it off for old time sake.
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Lord Aladar

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Baron of the Castles & Crusades Society

The Poster formerly known as Alwyn

Senior Gamer - Member of the Senior RPG Tour

"NEMO ME IMPUNE LACESSIT - At least not in Yu Gi Oh"
http://www.cncsociety.org/

[serleran]

Aftermath rules. Almost as fun as Gamma World, only much more rules-heavy.

[Aladar]

Gamma World was the second RPG I bought after I got started RPGing on D&D. I really liked that game too. Unfortunately that boxed set fell into a black hole and was lost along with some of my other games during a PCS move while I was in the Army.

I had a first print copy of Gamma World and Boot Hill in that box that disappeared, along with several copies of the old "The Dragon" Magazine, plus the original Deities & Demigods when it still had the Nehwon (sp) and Cthulhu mythos stuff in it.
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Lord Aladar

Warden of the Welk Wood

Baron of the Castles & Crusades Society

The Poster formerly known as Alwyn

Senior Gamer - Member of the Senior RPG Tour

"NEMO ME IMPUNE LACESSIT - At least not in Yu Gi Oh"
http://www.cncsociety.org/

[Indigo Rose]

Barrataria wrote:
And nice to see IR posting again...

BB

Hey, Barrataria! Yeah, now that I no longer have a life I have time to occasionally look over a forum or two... I think Dragonsfoot is just a *leetle* too big now for me to be able to keep up with, so this is probably going to be the extent of things for me!
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